if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
