Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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