We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
