Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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