maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Randomize
