hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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