no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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