Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
