so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
