I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
