I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You ruined the universe
Randomize
