I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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