I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
