"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
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