Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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