my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
