The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
