just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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