I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
there is glitter all over my balls
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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