Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
