have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
