we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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