I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
