Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
