I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
