I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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