I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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