Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
