I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
