Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
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