it's not cheating when I paid for it
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
