just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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