you have to choose: penises or morals?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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