recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
