Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
