you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
