Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
