Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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