I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
