You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
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