I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
this is an emotional support booty call
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
