I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
