a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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