I think I am morally bankrupt
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
last night I used snow as a chaser
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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