I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
