I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
