Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
