oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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