It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
