so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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