literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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